I had a Small Baby

40 weeks and 4 days. 40 pounds heavier. I knew I was going to have a big, 8+ pound baby, All of the other dietitians I knew had big, rolly-polly babes. I could only imagine myself with the chunky baby with all the rolls. 

But, alas, I had a baby that was 5 lbs, 15 oz - rounded up to 6 lbs on her birth certificate. The doctor told me she was low birth weight for gestational age. I was shocked and scared. What was the cut off for a normal weight baby? Was she going to be unhealthy? Would she need to be tube fed? Was this my fault? Did I have one too many 2 oz glasses of wine? Did I gain too much weight? Did I miss my prenatal vitamin too many times? 

Every 3 hours, the nurses would wake us up, check Greta’s blood sugar and make us feed her. With Greta’s small size, she had a shallow latch. It was painful and frustrating. Lots of the “shove with love” motto by the nurses, my breasts handled by each one of them and vigorously shoved into Greta’s mouth when she’d yawn. Sometimes, I’d squeeze some colostrum out and spoon feed it to her. I tried a nipple shield with the advice of one of the night shift nurses, but that made everything worse. On our last day in the hospital, a lactation consultant came to our room to observe a feeding. She told me that we were doing great, that Greta didn’t have a shallow latch, and that we’d get the hang of it.  I felt relieved and empowered, but by the time we left the hospital, Greta dropped down to 5 lbs 9 oz.

I so desperately wanted to get the hang of it so I could feed my baby and watch her grow into one of those rolly-polly babies. 

As someone in the medical field, I understand that there are studies that show babies under a certain weight at birth are at higher risk for x, y, z. And, that the doctor didn’t mean to stress me out when she told me my baby was low birth weight. The nurses were only trying to help, but they subsequently made me feel defeated. Then, I felt a heavy weight lifted off my shoulders when the lactation consultant told me we were doing great. Being a patient for the first time and having my baby negatively labeled made me realize how vulnerable patients are to our words as medical professionals. I digress. 

I was terrified for her first pediatrician appointments. What if she’s not gaining weight? What if we have to supplement? What if I’m failing? Tears streamed down my face when she gained a few ounces at her first appointment and almost a pound by her 2 week appointment. My low for gestational age baby was growing - thriving even! Though, that wasn’t enough - I still wanted to know how much she weighed every day, thereafter. I needed to know my tiny baby was thriving. I timed her feedings. I compared one feeding to the last and those feedings to yesterday's feedings. If she dropped in time, I’d try to have her to stay on longer. I looked up how to get more fat content into my breastmilk. It never felt like enough. 

The first couple weeks (maybe longer?) breastfeeding was really painful. I would writhe in pain when Greta would latch -- it felt like searing papercuts across my nipples every time. Like her little gums were razor blades. But I was determined to keep going. I wanted to breastfeed for an entire year, because that’s what my other dietitian friends did - that’s what the good moms did. Breast is best, ya know!

When Greta was a few weeks old, I sat in my living room with my friend Beth (an incredible mom of four incredible humans). I was really struggling with the baby blues - I felt like I would never be happy again. Earlier that day, I had looked through all of my facebook profile pictures and saw that happy, care free, childless girl and I wanted to be her again. I needed some support and Alex was out of town for the first time. Beth came to comfort me. I told her my birth story and that I was overwhelmed with having a small baby. I think I said “I just want her to have rolls and be a cute, fat baby”. 

Beth sharply grabbed my wrist and looked me dead in the eye. She said, “Sammie, Greta is absolutely perfect just the way she is. She is exactly who she is supposed to be. You need to trust her to tell you what she needs and trust your intuition as a mama.”

I felt terrible that I said out loud that I wanted to change my baby. To change who she was and what she looked like. I didn’t mean it like that, truly, but that’s how it came out. What I really meant was that I didn’t want to have to worry about having a small baby. But, I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t trust her.

As time went on, I became more comfortable with feeding Greta, her small self, and her steady weight gain. She rides the growth curve right at 5th percentile, just like her daddy did. That doesn’t mean that she needs to gain weight to be closer to “normal”, it just means she’s a small baby. Likewise, there’s nothing wrong with a baby that is 99th%ile -- that baby doesn't need to lose weight - they’re just a big baby. When other mamas see Greta, they sometimes will exclaim “she’s so small for 10 months!” or “what size clothes is she in!?”. I know those mamas don’t mean anything by their comments, but I sometimes feel judged for having a small baby - like I’m not doing enough for her to be closer to “average”. On the other hand, I have heard many mamas stressing about their high %ile babies because their doctors tell them their babies need to lose weight. I cannot tell you how much that infuriates me. There is so much fat phobia in our culture that we are even telling mamas that their infant babies need to cut carbs (yes, I have heard this happen in real life). What the actual f. But again, I digress.

I breast fed Greta for 7 months. I hated pumping and my supply dropped quickly once I went back to work and got my period. I decided that I wasn’t going to go to extreme measures to get my milk supply back up - no power pumping, no middle-of-the-night pumping, no drinking all the magic teas, no eating all the oats, no more blue Gatorade. I was just going to be done. Greta was starting to get easily distracted and she was doing fine with a bottle (finally, after 4 months of refusal, I could have a bit of relief). By that time, I was becoming more comfortable with Greta’s size and growth. It was a hard decision to be done, but one morning in place of our usual feeding, Alex gave Greta a bottle and let me sleep in, and that was it -- the decision was ultimately made for me, which I appreciated. I still have about 20 bags of milk left in the deep freezer and Greta will not touch them. She only takes about 20 oz of formula/day, but she’s a great solid food eater. It still stresses me out that she drinks about two thirds the amount of a “normal” baby’s intake, but she’s growing, so I need to keep my eye on the prize and trust that she knows her body the best. I’m doing my best to raise an intuitive eater and a little girl that respects her body.

Mamas - trust your baby and trust your own intuition. Do your best to not let others’ words seep in and cause insecurities like they did for me. Your babies are very good at regulating their intakes based on their needs. Fed is best. Do what works for you and your family and your baby. It’s okay to not meet your breastfeeding goal. It’s okay to supplement with formula. It’s okay that your baby is in the 5th or 99th percentile. It’s okay. I promise. You are the best mama for your baby.